Category Archives: Postpartum depression

The longest and shortest year

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I’ve been really lax about posting here lately! I got busy out of nowhere, then caught the plague, then Ethan turned one.

Yup. He’s one. I officially have a one-year-old. When the hell did that happen? That saying about kids giving you “long days and short years” is definitely true.

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Ethan is a wonderful little boy. Obviously, I’m a bit biased, but he really is a doll. He has been walking (and, occasionally, running, which is terrifying to behold), copying some signs, repeating sounds, and figuring out how to play with toys without any tutorial. That last one is pretty impressive to me. For example, he has a little toy train that came with blocks and that has a little seat so he can ride on it. I never showed him how to put the blocks into the chute or how to sit on the train (I worried his little fingers might get stuck in the chute and that he’d fall off of the seat). Adam says he never showed him, either. However, one day, lo and behold, he was expertly putting blocks into the chute and swinging his leg over the train like he was mounting a mighty steed. Go figure. I don’t know if that’s just how babies operate or what, but even if that’s pretty typical, it still impresses me. I can’t figure out some of his toys, and he just toddles up and takes over like a champ!

The best thing about Ethan, though, is how affectionate and happy he is. He is almost always in a great mood and he’s very friendly to everyone he sees. People go out of their way to come and talk to him, which he just loves. It has taken a lot of getting used to, and sometimes it still throws me off when a stranger comes up to us at the grocery store for a chat with my son, but it’s really lovely. Having people be so kind to me and to Ethan when they don’t even know us just shows me how much good there is to be found in people.

We had Ethan’s first birthday party on Saturday, which was a great success. We had a Hulk theme and it was all very laid back and fun.

I still find it hard to believe that I have been a parent for an entire year now. It has been an interesting time. The highs and lows were extreme for a long time, and I had plenty of days when I thought I was just not cut out for motherhood. There were times when I wondered if Ethan would be better off without me. Looking back, it breaks my heart to remember that I ever felt that way. Things are so much better now, and my anxiety and depression have improved dramatically in the past four months or so. My bond with Ethan has never been stronger, and I look forward to our time together every day. Anyone out there who is struggling with PPD – or just parenthood in general – please know that things can always get better. Find a way to help yourself and don’t be afraid to admit that you don’t have things 100% together. No one does. As always, I’m happy to be a sounding board if anyone ever wants to talk. And if you don’t want to talk, know that I’m still supporting you, wherever you are.

Thank you to everyone who has been a part of our lives and given us so much love and support this year! I am grateful for the journey up to this point and I look forward to the years to come.

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My Big Fat Pinterest Challenge Project: Day One

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Yay, I did it! I actually started my project like a big girl. I decided that it would be easiest to focus on household organization for the month of July. That’s usually my #1 most frustrating thing – I’ve grown to really dislike clutter and I get aggravated when things are out of place. I know for a fact it’s Mommy Instinct (yes, it’s capitalized, because it is a Thing) because clutter never used to bother me that much. I always wanted my place to be clean, but never exactly organized. Not anymore.

Pinterest has lots of great ideas and tutorials for getting your place to be as organized as possible. One pin that struck me was called “40 Bags in 40 Days“, in which the pinner got rid of a bag of junk every day for over a month. I am doing a modified version of that and committing to 10 bags in 10 days. Today, I focused on my nightstand.

You might not think that something as small as a nightstand would hold a bag’s worth of junk. You would think wrong. My nightstand ended up being additional storage in the move (which, if you recall, was pretty hit-the-ground-running, so we were stuffing belongings into anything that would hold them). Which means it looked like this:

I know. It’s awful. I seriously don’t know why half of those things were in there. I found a bag that goes around a bottle of Crown Royal and a plastic cucumber that was apparently a cast gift from one of the productions of As You Like It that Adam was in. Why was plastic vegetation given as a gift? I don’t know. I’m sure it made sense in context, but I had no context, so I just put the plastic cucumber on Adam’s nightstand, realizing the weirdness of placing a fake, green, phallic vegetable where everyone could potentially see it and do a double-take. And then I started plotting many, many practical jokes. Bwahaha.

Anyway, I cleared out most of what was in the drawer, did some re-arranging, designated some junk, and put a few things back where they actually belonged. The end result?

Yaaaaay, it’s a big-girl drawer! I’ve got my girly stuff like lotions, tea lights, and a lavender infuser oil burner thingy that I got for Christmas and forgot about (sorry and also thanks, Lindsey, I promise I’ll use it now that it has been re-found!), as well as our Comcast information because I haven’t figured out a safer place for it just yet.

I’m feeling really good about this. It took all of five minutes and I significantly de-cluttered a problem area of my home. Now I have a lot more space in that drawer if I need, several unnecessary items are gone for good, and I, you know, followed through on something I said I would do. I’ll be accepting my medal any time now.

Tomorrow: the Great Decluttering continues when I tackle…THE BATHROOMS!!! Dun dun dunnnnnn.

And now for something completely different…

I had what I can only describe as a relapse in my depression and anxiety last night. I was up until 3:00 cleaning the apartment and doing some meal and grocery planning, but I was sobbing the entire time. Hence why it took me until 3:00 AM. I’ve been feeling those emotions threatening to bubble to the surface for a while now, but I figured it was just normal motherhood-related stuff, not PPA/PPD.

Now I’m almost ready to admit defeat and that I’m not able to deal with this entirely on my own. I’m going to give it just a little more time – in case it really was just a particularly bad day, which happens – and then I’m going to start looking into talking to my doctor. As hesitant as I am about the notion of being unable to cope on my own, naturally, I also know that I can’t keep doing this. It’s affecting every aspect of my life and I can’t let that continue much longer. So I’m hoping to get a grip on myself (and, TMI alert, but I’m also sort of hoping that it’s at least partially PMS-related, because my body has decided to freak out once a month now…which wasn’t so much the case pre-baby. Thanks, hormones!), but I’m also willing to go to a professional if that doesn’t work.

Oy.

So much for September.

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I’m totally starting my Big Fat Dumb Self-Indulgent Pinterest Project on July 1.

My decision to start it sooner rather than later is twofold. One, I’m excited. Two, if I don’t start now I’ll just keep pinning to infinity and beyond and that’s just overkill. So beginning in July, expect to see posts relating to my dorky project!

In Mommying news, I don’t know if Ethan is already teething or what. I just know that if he’s going to chew on something, I really need it to be a teething ring and not my fingers. It’s fine for a few minutes, but it really hurts after a while. He has Hulk jaws. He doesn’t seem to be in pain or anything, so I’m chalking up the drooling and chewing to it just being what happens at this age. And crossing my chomped-on fingers that we’re not teething just yet. Please, please, please, kid, slow down.

I’ve finally broken the baby weight plateau – I’m below 145 at last! It only took three months…

My anxiety  has been a lot better since Ethan started sleeping more. I still have a lot of moments of panic and I’m definitely not entirely out of the woods yet, but I do feel like I can probably get through this on my own. I’m feeling more  like myself now that my weight is getting closer to normal and I’m getting a little more rest, and that is making all the difference in the world. I think part of the issue was feeling like my body was not my own for so long. Pregnancy tends to do that for you, and I had no idea how frustrating recovery could be. Once the pain subsided, I felt so impatient to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I may never quite get there again, but as long as I’m close, I’ll be content.

And now I’m off to watch “Bridezillas” because I am classy like that.

On the upswing

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It seems that I am finally getting to a point where I can honestly say that I feel better.

I have gone over a week without a meltdown. I have gotten close several times, but I was able to get myself in check before losing control. I’m positive that most of this has to do with the fact that Ethan is on a fairly regular schedule now, which allows some designated “me time” every day. Since Adam generally works nights, I’ve been allowing myself to rely on him a little more during the day so that I can take care of myself and the apartment – plus, this allows him more time with Ethan instead of me monopolizing baby time. There’s really no reason why I should take Ethan on every single errand if Adam is at home. And it’s so freaking cute. I love watching the two of them together.

Baby smiles are also helpful. Ethan has become a grinning machine. I used to sometimes think that he just didn’t like me, but when he gives me one of those dimply grins and wrinkles his little nose, I turn to mush and realize that he knows me and finds comfort in me. That has made a world of difference.

There’s something deviously brilliant about the way babies develop. They show up cute, sleepy, relatively quiet, and snuggly…which lulls you into a false sense of security for the whole day-night reversal, long screaming fits, etc. that appear a few weeks later. So just when you’re about to lose your mind from that, they start smiling and cooing…which is a warning sign that teething is on its way. Well played, tiny humans. Well played.

In other news, we’re going to the beach for a few days to visit my dad and generally take a break from actual life. I am hands-flappingly excited about the prospect of getting away for a bit. My dad and stepmother are planning to watch Ethan for a night, so we’re planning to have a date night. I have a feeling that I won’t have to do much mommying over the weekend…my dad is so thrilled to get to have some grandpa time. Is it totally Bad Mommy of me to be really looking forward to having a break like that?

Ah, well. If it is Bad Mommy, I’m sure the sangria I have in the fridge will make me feel better about it.

The Depression Diet Shopping List

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I was asked to share my shopping list for my Depression Diet, so here it is! Of course, it may vary from time-to-time depending on what is available, prices, etc. A few things that may be staples for other kitchens, like red meat, cheese, and other fruits and veggies, are missing from the list. That’s just because I don’t happen to eat red meat very often, I’m trying to cut down on the cheese (I have a mild obsession), and I tend to switch up my fruits and veggies anyway depending on what I find at the farmer’s market. These are just what I want to have on hand most often.

THE DEPRESSION DIET SHOPPING LIST:

Whole wheat bread
Tortilla wraps
Rice
Couscous
Pasta
Oatmeal
Almond milk
Coffee
Cranberry juice
Green tea
Almonds or walnuts
Eggs
Dark chocolate
Potatoes
Sweet potatoes
Beans
Spinach
Jalapenos
Broccoli
Avocados
Tomatoes
Garlic
Kale
Onions
Mushrooms
Cucumbers
Lettuce
Sprouts
Beets
Limes
Lemons
Grapefruit
Bananas
Apples
Smoked salmon
Deli turkey
Frozen chicken breasts
Greek yogurt
Half and half
Mint leaves
Cilantro

It may not look like too much, but when you have spices, condiments, and other herbs already on hand at home, there are a lot of options. In my freezer, I already had some frozen fruits and veggies (which I generally use for smoothies), as well as the chicken breasts (which I buy in bulk at Sam’s), and I have various other healthy items (like granola, local honey, dried lentils, etc) in my pantry. With all of these things on hand, I have been able to create some really tasty meals without having to work or think too hard to come up with them!

I highly recommend shopping this way. It is much faster and easier to come up with a grocery list that you simply “refill” rather than starting from scratch each week. It helps cut down on temptation in the first place, but then even when you give in to temptation, you are far less likely to splurge and wind up with a cart full of unnecessary items! You’ll have a cart full of items that pair well together…and maybe a few fun extras. Like I say, this is just my “base” list. Sometimes I might substitute certain items if I feel like mixing it up, or I may add a few extra things in order to create certain recipes.

If you try shopping like this, let me know how it goes! I’d love to hear your suggestions and if this works well for you, too!

The Depression Diet

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Well, that’s a depressing name for a diet. Appropriately enough. Actually, when I thought of it, it sounded funny in my head, but written out…well, it sounds like a real bummer.

It’s not, though! Actually, this is something that I think is going to really help me. So far, I already feel miles better…and it has only been a few days. I have always believed that the first line of defense against illness and malaise is the physical body. If your body doesn’t feel good, the rest of you won’t feel good either, and my body has (of course) been feeling wonky since Ethan was born. When you think about it, it’s pretty amazing that the percentage of women who have postpartum issues isn’t higher, simply because of what our bodies go through during pregnancy and childbirth. I was lucky enough to have a pretty low-key experience, but some women go through some really traumatic things. Even with my dumb luck, I still went through the same thing every woman deals with – pain, aching, sleep deprivation, nausea, you name it. It’s a rough nine months, and then it’s a rough however-long-it-takes to recover…and all the while, you feel like a stranger in your body. It’s heavier, it has a new shape, and there are all sorts of surprises to deal with (scars, stretch marks, etc). On top of all that, most new moms find themselves eating whatever they can quickly stuff into their mouths – often foods that aren’t terribly healthy and are about convenience and filling rather than nutrition.

I looked at my diet for a few days and it was pretty bad. On average, I was eating next to nothing and definitely nothing good for me. Pretty much just coffee until late afternoon, when I’d shovel down a microwaveable meal, and then I’d eat whatever I had thrown into the crock pot for dinner. Now, it’s not impossible to make a healthy crock pot meal – it’s easy. But I was being lazy, and the result was a lot of very fatty meals with a lot of processed food. And I wondered why I wasn’t losing the baby weight? My poor metabolism probably wanted to throatpunch me.

So I sat down and did some research, looking for information about eating well on a tight budget. I made lists of the healthiest foods that also provided a lot of variety and were easier on the budget. Then it was off to the grocery store. A heart-stopping $100 later, I had a completely full fridge and pantry, filled to the brims with nutritious, easy-to-prepare food. It was terrifyingly expensive, but a lot of those items were bulk/nonperishable, so I won’t have to buy them every week. I’m pretty sure that the next time I shop, the cost will be significantly less. I plan to pretty much stick to this list, occasionally swapping an item or two or adding something “extra” to create a new recipe – it will be easier to  just “restock” rather than shop from scratch or from a random list of wants.

I’m forcing myself to eat three meals a day and no food that is processed, at least for a little while. I’m not a huge believer in the trendy detox diets, but I think it’s important to jump into this headlong and just get all the junk out as fast as I can. I’m doing my best to get all of my fruits and veggies, cut down on the bread, consume as little additional sugar as possible, and make sure I’m getting enough protein. Three days into this diet and I’m already feeling a huge difference. I have a lot more energy and I feel far less weighed down.

I am also making sure I am exercising every day, at least a little bit. If nothing else, I do the Bodyrock beginner’s fitness test (3 rounds of squats, push-ups, tricep dips, and crunches, totaling a 12-minute workout). I think once my body feels a little more like it’s actually mine, it will do wonders for my psyche.

I know I’m repeating myself a lot in this post, and I apologize – I tend to talk myself in circles and say the same things over and over again even in real life. Bad habit that I made absolutely no effort to break or even curb before I wrote this entry. Anyway, I’m going to keep a close eye on myself, get creative with the cooking, and hope that I can find a natural way to ease my anxiety. If this doesn’t work, I’ll go to the doctor, of course,  but I want to at least try this out before considering other methods. If I can eat my way back to mental health, I’d much prefer to do that!

Random thoughts (AKA another lazy post)

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I know I haven’t posted an entry of substance in a little while, but things have been pretty busy around here! We’re trying to get Ethan on a more structured routine, especially at bedtime, and I’ve been doing a lot of creative writing lately. I was inspired by seeing The Avengers (run, don’t walk) and started a project that vaguely involves superheroes. So far. We’ll see what it turns into. So because I’ve been all over the place lately, and because it’s really late, here are a few random thoughts for this evening:

-I think every sandwich should include sprouts and cilantro. The combination of the two is just a good thing.

-Ethan smiled at me while I was feeding him. It was the first time he ever did that and it’s his two-month birthday. I refuse to believe that’s a coincidence.

-I took Hudson to his gymnastics class today and got to participate. 45 minutes of running around with a 4-year-old boy is better cardio than 10 minutes on the treadmill, and it’s a hell of a lot more fun. I’m looking forward to playing like that with Ethan.

-There really should be a company that takes molds of your nipples to make pacifiers. I know that would be the creepiest job ever, but I imagine a lot of breastfeeding moms would be grateful.

-I love Six Feet Under. I can’t believe it has taken me until now to watch it.

-Tom Hiddleston should only be allowed to speak in Shakespearean prose. Yum.

-Even though I do not work in an office and have no desire to do so, I keep wanting to buy a bunch of cute, office-appropriate outfits. Where exactly am I planning on wearing them?

-I’ve been thinking of taking up painting again. It has been many years and I was never very good, but it was always something I enjoyed and I think it might be good for me as I (hopefully) start to come out of this anxiety/depression.

And on that note…

I was told by a fellow mom friend of mine that she couldn’t believe I have any postpartum stuff going on because I seem so happy. At the time, I could only respond by smiling and saying that it comes and goes, but I think the better response would be to say that I’m not actually unhappy. It isn’t about that, oddly enough. What I feel when I am at my lowest is some combination of anhedonia and panic. You wouldn’t think the two could go together, but they can. Then there’s this middling point where I just want to cry (and usually do). But, for the most part, I spend my days in a relatively good mood and am able to function like a normal person just fine. The issue has mostly been that when it hits, it hits hard and it hits for a few hours at a time. It makes it hard to deal for those few hours. It’s like an out-of-body experience. I say and think things that would normally never occur to me. Not thoughts of harming myself or Ethan, but thoughts like “I don’t deserve my baby”. I know it isn’t true and that it’s irrational of me, but it’s just something I have to work through. I’m getting there, so don’t worry. Just like Ethan will have to learn in a more literal fashion sooner than I’d like, everyone has to take baby steps to get where they need to be. I’m still learning to crawl right now.

Metaphors: it’s what’s for dinner.

I put olives in my chili tonight.

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And it was a good decision.

I found a recipe called “Belly Burner Chili” that intrigued me. While I tweaked the recipe a bit (just one pound of sausage and about a pound of potatoes, one can of tomato sauce, a little bit of diced fresh tomato, and I left the soy sauce out entirely), the end result is absolutely delicious. I know olives are kind of a polarizing foodstuff, so I’m sure a lot of people will be turning up their noses at the very idea of putting green and black (I used kalamata) olives in chili, but it’s actually really great. The olives don’t taste so olive-y along with all the other flavors and it creates a nice saltiness to go along with the spice and savoriness of the rest of the dish. I’m happy.

The thing that’s great about chili is that it can be a very healthy food, plus it’s cheap and very easy to make. We’ve been making chili almost every week since Ethan was born and I have never been happier to own a crock pot. It’s nice to just toss some ingredients into the slow cooker and just ignore it for eight hours or so. Insurance should cover them for new parents – we’d all be eating a lot better if that were the case!

Wow. This is riveting stuff, isn’t it? I think you can tell it has been an otherwise uneventful day. I didn’t actually accomplish any of the things I had planned – none of the laundry, the sheets still aren’t on the bed after being washed, the place is generally a mess – but I at least got in a ten-minute workout. Well, sort of. I had to keep stopping so that I could give Ethan his pacifier. I swear, that kid just does not get the concept of “keep pacifier in mouth” yet. He spits it out, waits a beat, and then freaks out. I know he’s a genius and all so we can’t expect him to be able to keep track of everything, but still.

In other news, I’ve continued exercising and though it has only been a few days, I’m feeling pretty confident that I can keep this up. I am only exercising between 10-20 minutes per day, mainly because that’s all I can spare the energy for right now and because Ethan’s schedule is still a little lopsided. I think once I feel a little stronger, I’ll take Ethan with me to our apartment complex’s workout room. He can nap and I can jog! I’m hoping to do the Color Run in September, which is a 5K. I have never run when it wasn’t required by public school, so this is quite an unusual endeavor for me. I figure if anything could convince me to run in a legitimate race, it’s the prospect of being covered in multi-colored powder by the end of it.

Setting a goal like that, silly though it may sound, has made me feel a little better in the face of my anxiety. I think it’s because looking forward to something helps me remember that right now is just that – it’s right now, and it will pass. I know that sounds cliche, but it’s true, and it does help. We’re also planning to go to visit my dad in about a month, which I’m really excited about…a few days at the beach should put me right. Especially if I manage to squeeze into the two-piece I bought last year!